Taking your solids

Today has been a solid day and night.  Getting back into the groove at work, combined with good non-death and family oriented time with Jenny (doing a little shopping for the boy), and good chatting with Jenn, Israel, and Eric tonight really helped bring this week back into function.

I’m not all right.  It’s the poorly hidden question (sometimes frankly asked-thanks) behind many friends and family’s words.  I’m glad you’re asking, and I want to let you all know that it will be all right.  I haven’t been stone-hearted about this whole experience-far from it.  I felt bad that I wasn’t crying or mourning more visibly at the funeral, but I don’t do that in public.  It’s hard enough to get me to cry in the first place.  Moreover, who the fuck am I to start gushing when Tony’s wife and daughters are there?  If anyone has a right to cry, they do.

I’m not all right.  I’ve been angry–I’ve mentioned this before.  That anger isn’t with anyone specifically.  Not at the hospital, not at God, not at anyone–it’s just anger, fueled by pain.  I loved Tony, and although we didn’t spend tons of time together, he was there.  He took me out when no one else would, and was always good to me-like he was to so many others.  It hurts to have a man like that taken out of the world, and it’s going to keep hurting for a while.  I’m going to be a little unfocused at times, a little short, and not always trying to be chipper for the sake of the people around me.

I’m not all right.  But I will be.

At the time of this writing, it’s my birthday.  I’ve been building to it for a while, and looking forward to it.  I was going to take two days off and make it my vacation before job transition, and live it up, with a capstone of a night at Linda’s on Friday, where (hopefully) most of my friends will come out and enjoy a beer for a while.  Having friends and family together is what makes my birthday such an affair–it’s an excuse to be extra-celebratory while amidst a random gathering of people–all of you that I love and don’t get to see enough.

Frankly, though, heading into this birthday,  I didn’t think it’d be all that sweet, in light of the week.  I’ve been hell-bent on making it fun, though, mainly because of all the crap.  Work, Tony, and an overall shitty year–I need some fun.  I’m going to go right back to the grindstone when all this is done, so why not live it up?  That said, I’ve got a few things planned for the next two days that will make them extra-enjoyable.

What’s really set me up for a great birthday, though, is the people (again).  Jenny constantly makes me laugh and keeps me in a good mood whether I want to be or not. Jenn gives me a booster shot of encouragement and a kindred spirit to share with.  Old friends like Eric (and Neill–WTF? How out of the blue was that?) remind me of the good times and help me keep my perspective.  You guys have helped turn the past 24 hours from a time of depressed mourning to a manageable time of moving on–and into a period of celebration!

Thanks to Jenn for such candid sharing, great laughs, and constant encouragement, as always.  Thanks to Israel for taking the time to chat with me–I know I’m a virtual stranger to you, but you’re family, and you’re a lot of fun!  Thanks to Eric for keeping track of me over these years, and falling right into step no matter how long it’s been.  And thanks to Jenny for the patience, kindness, and….well, for making home what it is.

So, since it’s my birthday, let me tell you EXACTLY what I want.  Say hi to me on Facebook or here.  Come out for beer on Friday–ESPECIALLY if I haven’t seen you in forever.  Think about me for a minute, hopefully in a fond manner.  Reach out.  You’ll notice that every avenue I’ve given you to talk to me is a community avenue.  It’s not just about me, selfish as I am.  It’s about getting in touch with your friends, making new friends, and rejoicing in the good times and good company we have.  This is open to friends and family, and it’s the heart and soul of my birthdays as I secretly dream them to be a month in advance-all the people I love being happy and together.

Because damnit, I’m not driving long distance any more this week!