State of the Mental Union

I’m lonely.

I’ve talked a lot about minutae for a long time.  I can talk you to death about the details of the mental and spiritual being, the aspects of characterization in drama, or, hell, even how to make a move set for a wrestler expressive for a character. I can overcomplicate the shit out of anything.  Sometimes, though, problems and deep internal issues boil down to simple facts—as straightforward as death and taxes.

I’m lonely.

Now, a few things. First, this ain’t whining. I’m not sounding off as some mating call or request for help.  This is, again, a statement of fact.  Second, I’ve lived with loneliness for a long time–at least romantic loneliness.  It’s been a while, and for the most part, that’s fine.  Third, I’m not alone–I have good friends and a solid family to back me up. I’m not on an island, by any stretch.  That doesn’t keep you from being lonely.

It’s about intimacy.

Not sex.  We all know that sex isn’t always intimate. We also know that intimacy can be had in plutonic relationships. It’s what makes best friends, lovers, and tight family.  The word “intimacy” tends to have a sexual charge–that’s not the use I’m applying here.  I’ve gone a long time without sharing intimate feelings with anyone.  Good talks, to be sure, but somehow the connect has missed with some people.  Anyone who knows me knows I’m a social person, and thrive on that shit. So, going without hurts.

The past few weeks I’ve seen a dearth of romance.  Old friends and new have found partners that truly compliment them, and are happy.  I know of at least two good romances in my circle, one of which I would actually call storybook—and bully for them.  I don’t envy them.  On the contrary, I’m happy to see that’s possible–and I think that’s what has the ache cranked up this week.  Opening up personally, having some gaming that has, frankly, been theraputic, and seeing that these sorts of romances are possible, has opened me up and simplified my emotional landscape, or perhaps my view of it.  It lets me see the facts.

I’m lonely.

It is what it is–I have no one to blame but me.  I’ve kept myself off the market and away from friends for a long time, and even when I’ve been with friends, I’ve been shielded. There are lots of reasons for this, but most of it boils down to me not trusting myself. I know I’ve got this pent-up emotion, so I don’t want to overwhelm anyone–either a counseling friend or potential date.  You can imagine.  Also, I don’t want to be a codependant, which I’ve been accused of.  Sorry, gang, but that way of life isn’t for me anymore. Still, I wasn’t all that sharp about it before—what about another time around?  Finally, there are just some parts of me that I don’t like. I’m lazy.  I’m gullible.  I’m inexperienced.  And frankly, depending on the timing, I can be a true to life gen-u-ine son of a bitch.  So, when you’re reaching down into the well of emotions to share some intimate emotional connect with a friend or, God forbid, a lover, do you want to come up with a steaming handful of anger, depression, and sadness?

I didn’t think you did.

So, the shields have been up.  Now I’m saying fuck it to the shields and trying to work stuff out on my own. Because the shield/withdrawl method doesn’t work (field of jokes here, people).  It’s interesting to unpack all this emotional baggage, and it’ll be better in the end, but right now it’s a pain in the ass.  I’m better company, and friends may note a greater level of percieved sincerity to my words and actions–it’s not like I was lying before, just a little restrained.  Healthy, but leading to moments of realization like this week.

I need people.  I need good, solid friends I can share with, and will share with me, who actually want to be around me and share those inside jokes and looks.  I need someone to not just be welcoming, but to show some interest.  I’ve been more fortunate with that in the past few weeks than I have in the past few years–score one for the me.  I need an option for romance that can be good. My take on romance is a little more sophisticated than it used to be–I can deal with a lot more levels and types of relationships than I used to.  However, you’ve got to actually start on it to test it out.

So, bottom line: I’m lonely, but I’m taking care of my shit.  For those already contributing, I thank you from the deepest part of my aorta.  You’re good people. I ask nothing from those around me–you live your lives.  If you’re living in an interesting situation that makes you happy, more power to you.  If you’re living a storybook romance you lived three lifetimes for, enjoy it–you more than deserve it.  One day that may be me.  Maybe not. I don’t know what’s in store, but I know what I need to do to make myself as open to those possibilities as possible–and right now that means separating the whites from the colors, the plaids from the stripes, and throwing out some of the jeans that are too small or pinched too much and made my blood pressure go up.

C’est la vie.