Taking your solids

Today has been a solid day and night.  Getting back into the groove at work, combined with good non-death and family oriented time with Jenny (doing a little shopping for the boy), and good chatting with Jenn, Israel, and Eric tonight really helped bring this week back into function.

I’m not all right.  It’s the poorly hidden question (sometimes frankly asked-thanks) behind many friends and family’s words.  I’m glad you’re asking, and I want to let you all know that it will be all right.  I haven’t been stone-hearted about this whole experience-far from it.  I felt bad that I wasn’t crying or mourning more visibly at the funeral, but I don’t do that in public.  It’s hard enough to get me to cry in the first place.  Moreover, who the fuck am I to start gushing when Tony’s wife and daughters are there?  If anyone has a right to cry, they do.

I’m not all right.  I’ve been angry–I’ve mentioned this before.  That anger isn’t with anyone specifically.  Not at the hospital, not at God, not at anyone–it’s just anger, fueled by pain.  I loved Tony, and although we didn’t spend tons of time together, he was there.  He took me out when no one else would, and was always good to me-like he was to so many others.  It hurts to have a man like that taken out of the world, and it’s going to keep hurting for a while.  I’m going to be a little unfocused at times, a little short, and not always trying to be chipper for the sake of the people around me.

I’m not all right.  But I will be.

At the time of this writing, it’s my birthday.  I’ve been building to it for a while, and looking forward to it.  I was going to take two days off and make it my vacation before job transition, and live it up, with a capstone of a night at Linda’s on Friday, where (hopefully) most of my friends will come out and enjoy a beer for a while.  Having friends and family together is what makes my birthday such an affair–it’s an excuse to be extra-celebratory while amidst a random gathering of people–all of you that I love and don’t get to see enough.

Frankly, though, heading into this birthday,  I didn’t think it’d be all that sweet, in light of the week.  I’ve been hell-bent on making it fun, though, mainly because of all the crap.  Work, Tony, and an overall shitty year–I need some fun.  I’m going to go right back to the grindstone when all this is done, so why not live it up?  That said, I’ve got a few things planned for the next two days that will make them extra-enjoyable.

What’s really set me up for a great birthday, though, is the people (again).  Jenny constantly makes me laugh and keeps me in a good mood whether I want to be or not. Jenn gives me a booster shot of encouragement and a kindred spirit to share with.  Old friends like Eric (and Neill–WTF? How out of the blue was that?) remind me of the good times and help me keep my perspective.  You guys have helped turn the past 24 hours from a time of depressed mourning to a manageable time of moving on–and into a period of celebration!

Thanks to Jenn for such candid sharing, great laughs, and constant encouragement, as always.  Thanks to Israel for taking the time to chat with me–I know I’m a virtual stranger to you, but you’re family, and you’re a lot of fun!  Thanks to Eric for keeping track of me over these years, and falling right into step no matter how long it’s been.  And thanks to Jenny for the patience, kindness, and….well, for making home what it is.

So, since it’s my birthday, let me tell you EXACTLY what I want.  Say hi to me on Facebook or here.  Come out for beer on Friday–ESPECIALLY if I haven’t seen you in forever.  Think about me for a minute, hopefully in a fond manner.  Reach out.  You’ll notice that every avenue I’ve given you to talk to me is a community avenue.  It’s not just about me, selfish as I am.  It’s about getting in touch with your friends, making new friends, and rejoicing in the good times and good company we have.  This is open to friends and family, and it’s the heart and soul of my birthdays as I secretly dream them to be a month in advance-all the people I love being happy and together.

Because damnit, I’m not driving long distance any more this week!

After The Funeral

Family and Dichotomy

I’m going to keep this post short and sweet, due to the time and the pure length of tale there is to tell.  I’m not feeling up to a video post, even though it’s the easiest way to do this.

I went home to Rockingham today and saw my family.  The synopsis: it’s good to be back among my own.  Braddocks are some of the warmest, most real people out there.  There are concerns about the family, but we’ve got a good core.  My mom joined in the visiting this afternoon, which was an interesting mix of the two sides of the family.  She has a way about her when first socializing with people that bothers me, but it quickly dropped when we got stories about the military and New York circulating.  I took the opportunity to leave her mid-story and in a good spot.

Coming home myself was a good thing.  In what is becoming a good process, I came home and took care of business, whether it be work, cleaning, or fixing digital TV boxes.  Jenny surprised me by offering to go home with me tomorrow–quite the stunner, frankly.  However, it’s good to have the company.  I’m putting in a full day tomorrow and leaving immediately to go to the wake–it’s going to be quite the experience, to see all those that cared about Tony, including my dad, and to have Jenny’s perspective on it all.

I’m going to settle down for the evening, enjoying a beer and my new comics.  Much love to all.

Video Blog

RIP Tony Braddock

My uncle Tony died early this morning.

When I was tiny, my mom worked 3rd shift as a nurse, during weekends and sometimes during the week.  When she did, she left me with my dad’s parents, the Braddocks, overnight, through the weekend, and during the summer.  These people raised me as much as my parents did.  When I say these people, it was largely my grandparents, but it was also the aunts, uncles, and cousins that were in town.  Chief among these were my aunt Suzie and my uncle Tony.

Tony was the eldest of four children, with two children of his own, Rhea and Casey.  Both were significantly older than me (by 12 and 6 years, respectively), but were still around and treated me well for a very young cousin.  Tony himself was very involved with the family, being local, responsible, and immensely kind.  He helped take care of my grandparents, worked with my grandpa as a brick mason, volunteered as a firefighter, and took me with him to places here and there.  He was a good sport–whenever anyone asked him to be there, he would be, and would volunteer even when not asked.  He helped teach me to skateboard, watched me bicycle, and let me run around his house while he worked on repairs and renovations.  When it came to stepping up as a responsible family elder, Tony and my dad were the ones to step, but with my dad out of town (and usually the quieter of the two, but not by much), Tony was recognized as the local go-to guy.

When my grandfather passed away, much of the responsibility of caring for the family went to Tony.  He looked after my grandmother, and eventually moved her to a home, visiting her on a weekly (if not daily) basis.  For my aunt and all my cousins, he was the grandfather they never had–many were too young to remember my grandfather, and Tony fit the role so well.  He always took it with the grace he inherited from my grandmother and the fortitude he gained from my grandfather.   Whatever the task, he was the organizer of it, and most times the heavy lifter of the crew.

These things took their toll, physically and mentally, but not emotionally.   Laying brick for 40 years wore out his knees and back.  He waited for years to get knee replacement surgery, knowing it would leave him effectively disabled for months in a time-sensitive career.  Carrying the local family’s burdens as well as helping with his wife’s family put mental stress on him.  Not once, though, did he take it out on anyone.  He was always in good humor, willing to tell a funny story, and searching for positive outlooks on situations–a side effect of being a national-class photographer, I guess.  He was a man who always sought to put your perspective in the best light possible.

Tuesday night he fell and injured his neck, requiring surgery.  Last night he was at home recovering, and had just spent the evening with one of his daughters and had called my father, his estranged brother.  The two of them had just decided to bury the hatchet after a lifetime of fighting–from my father’s prompting.  I couldn’t have a prouder moment.

Barring the details, my uncle passed away last night in the hospital after doctors couldn’t open his air passages in time. His passing, like so many of the best, was untimely, inappropriate, and far too unfair for a man who deserved much, much better.

Rest In Peace, Tony.  Know that Earth is still filled with people who love and miss you VERY, VERY MUCH.

Russian Dolls

There’s a three second pause after each sentence

As the words sink through the layers

Every reaction filters back for the right effect.

Three layers down I’m watching every feeling

slide through my skins in an osmotic fashion.

There’s a peace at the core of myselves

Knowing that there are controls, safeties,

nothing will randomly go off

nothing will slide through the cracks

No matter what the reaction may be

I’m safe inside–the devastating effects

of joy and sorrow, the power of vulnerability

will never surface past the outer doll.

You will never get in.

Now I can tell you that this is some of the biggest cheese I’ve written in a while, but it’s why I put it out here–so you can see the work in progress and redline it as you see fit.  I’m ballsy, I know.  Just remember–some of the greatest works started as juvenile shit.

Vocal

Once again the posting bug hits me, but since I last wrote on this site, things have changed.  There’s a Facebook, a Twitter, and all sorts of other crap out there that facilitates communication.  The world is networked–at least the first world is, and if you look at Iran, you could say a whole Hell of a lot of the world is as well. With my impending departure from Kaplan, you can say that I’m networked more than ever.

What you say?  Someone set us up the bomb? Leaving Kaplan? How could that BE?  Well, it’s a long story, frought with pain and betrayal, shame and rage, Snickers and Doritos.  But anyone who’s anyone that knows me knows that I haven’t been happy at that job in a long time.  It just consumed more and more of my life and time, until I was functioning for Kaplan and the rest existed to preserve my sanity.  But NO MORE!

As of 8/1, I’m a free man.  What am I moving on to?  I’m not sure yet.  But I’m working on that.  It’s got to be better than this.

I’m going to add my editorials to this page, along with poetry.  See, it all fits in a pattern.  Twitter and Facebook exist for the play-by-play, the moment to moment action of the day.  Both are ways to stay in touch with me during the day and see what the fuck I’m up to–but they’re not heavy on the content.  This blog is the content site.  This is where the poetry, the long rants, the videos, all the good stuff–this is where all that goes.   If you want the more hardcore details, this is where you look.  I’m going to try to link everything so that you can float from one of my sites to another with ease, and get what you’re looking for easily.  But for those periods where you have time to spare, this is the place to go.

Read on, gentle reader.

Duke EMP

So, the battery died today at Duke.  Sitting at the top of the parking deck, I realize how screwed I really am-no one to call, and no jumper cables.  And I’m at Duke.

I ride the car down the deck, jumping off in first the whole way.  Though the engine did turn over, it wouldn’t stay on-not enough charge to really get off the ground.   Arriving at the bottom, I cruise into a RESERVED spot, pop the hood, and sell my story to the parking attendant.  The guy’s all right-laid back, leaves the exit gate up half the time, and drives a Mustang with a Superman symbol on the front.  He doesn’t have cables, but he’ll call security.

Of course, security doesn’t help visitors.

With his solemn pledge to ask every driver he takes money from for cables, I stand in front of the car and flag drivers down that are sliding their cards through.

Here’s the fun.

Out of 20 people I flagged down, 10 passed me by without a glance.  One girl walked within 2 feet of me and ignored me.  Of the other 10, 9 didn’t have cables.  One lady was nice enough to at least look, another to recommend security.  I told her about security.  She no longer likes security.  She must be a secretary.

Finally, I spot a teacher and his cohort hop into a brand new Jeep Cherokee-with a rack.  Not the one that comes with the Jeep, but the one you actively have to seek out, to be prepared on long trips.  He’s got cables.

I stalked him.

When he finally made it to my car, he turns out to be Tom Hanks pretending to be Burt Reynolds, complete with mustache.  Nice as could be, very helpful, with a tenor voice while talking, and a falsetto when telling you something is “NO PROBLEM!”

This begs the question: What would Duke do if the EMP hit?  What would happen if their car batteries died (before you engineers and logic nazis come after me, I know the EMP wouldn’t kill the batteries-just pretend) and their cell phones shorted out?

Fill in your story here.

Dueling McGrandes

Enjoy.

As my life dwindles away in a mindless shuffle….

So, on prompting, I answer the question-what does the Shuffle have to say about my life?  The rules are simple:

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to each question.
4. Cheating optional

1.) Describe your first date.

“Busting Up A Starbucks” by Mike Doughty

Not precisely.  Middle school, going to the movie theater with my black girlfriend (scandalous at the time and place), to watch Backdraft and sit, only to be teased by the girl with hints of kisses, until the last 5 minutes.  Wait-maybe it’s right on the mark…

2.) What is your personal religion?

“Prayer For the Dying” – Seal

Creepy, Shuffle.   My faith, as you will, is a little freeform.  Largely, though, my faith has been shaped by a) a mom that likes to guilt me, b) long nights staring at the sky, and c) lots of death.  One way or the other, life carries on.  It’s a question of how much you understand and how gracefully you carry it.

3.) What do you think of your current hometown?

“Sour Times #1″ – Portishead

Hrm.  I like Raleigh, but like so many of my other compadres, I never saw myself staying here as long as I have.   Perhaps I could have been more successful elsewhere.

4.) What do you feel guilty about?

“Stupefy”-Disturbed

This is my chief guilt.  Never smart enough, never fast enough.  If I had been a little more perceptive, a little more aware, a little bolder….

When you’re surrounded by highly intelligent people, you become painfully aware of the things you haven’t thought about, and how life could be different.

5.) What embarrasses you?

“Shotgun Blues”-The Blues Brothers

In short, how long I hang on to anything, whether it be old dreams or my love of John Belushi movies.  Actually, fuck that-Belushi rocks.  So, just that doggish nature of mine.  That, and being a whiner.

6.) What kind of restaurant would you open?

“God Is In The House” -Nick Cave

Soul food?  Let’s do it!

7.) How do you feel about fall?

“All I Want” Toad and the Wet Sprocket

I constantly bitch about the weather here.  Fall seems to be the neutral ground, where you can fall asleep in a cool breeze and have a nice enough chill to sleep well at night.  Add that to colorful trees (admit it, peeps, we’ve got it better than most places) and you’re set.

8.) What’s your greatest fear?

“Can’t Turn You Loose”-The Blues Brothers

Wow.  Let’s hope I can grow up!

9.) What’s your biggest weakness?

“No Rain” Blind Melon

I have no idea what this means.  But I think we’re all up to date on my weaknesses.  Next, please.

10.) What was the last lie you told?

“If You Leave”-Orchestrated Maneuvers in the Dark

…..I’ll call you.

11.) What’s the biggest thing you learned in school?

“Hell’s Bells”-AC/DC

It’s the nightmare you can never escape.  Do you hear them ringing?

I actually enjoyed school, although I didn’t appreciate what I was learning then.  I would enjoy school if I went back.  But the fact is, we’re never leaving school. Ever.

12.) What did you dream your life would be like as a child?

“Basket Case”-Green Day

I think this makes sense.  I was an inordinately quiet child, who spent most of his time playing with toys or watching the people around him.  If my family is any indicator of how life is supposed to be, then this is the song for it.  That, and I thought it would be a lot more exciting.

13.) What was your first serious girlfriend/boyfriend like?

“I Love You Mary Jane”-Cypress Hill

I have no idea how this fits, either.  Other than she got weirder as she got older.

14.) What were you doing 10 years ago?

“Dissolved Girl”-Massive Attack

So, I think Mr. Shuffle got confused.  So, to rotate 13 and 14, the girl: a) Girl used to joke about the Bugle Boy Jeans I wore-the initials on the jeans were her initials.  She liked the idea of me being branded.  Can I pick em or what? b) she saw me mainly to piss off her grandad, a huge racist.   10 years ago:  That song is off the Judgement Night Soundtrack, which I listened to constantly around that time.  Driving everywhere with it blasting, either pimping out for no one in particular, or headbanging.  Wow.

15.) What will you be doing in 10 years?

“The Music Lovers”-Destroyer

“The times of your life have been had…” Perhaps looking back on this as the best days.  Depression sets in.

16.) What does a cry for help from you sound like?
Apparently like 15!

“Soul Man”-The Blues Brothers

Getting too gregarious?  That fake smile that I’m told shines way too much?  Or perhaps my future cocaine problem?

17.) What do you buy at Wal-Mart?

“Overkill”-Men At Work

HA!

18.) Describe your personal political philosophy

“Jump”-Van Halen

Got my back against the racking machine-what the hell does that mean, anyway?  I think the spirit of the song is the best fit-tough, but hopeful.   And not on any party line (although I think waaay out on the left is pretty good)

19.) Do You like to travel?

“Mass Romantic”-The New Pornographers

I do, although I haven’t done enough of it.  I formerly imagined myself doing it with a partner.  Now, I imagine it as a year long hike.

20.) How do you feel about your coworkers?

“Somebody To Love”-Queen

I get stiff voices from my coworkers sometimes, so I wonder if I’ve done something to tick them off-like not work.  Couldn’t be that…..

So that’s the list for me.  Mr. Shuffle isn’t quite an 8 ball, but close enough.  Enjoy!  Oh, and if you haven’t checked out Pandora, please do so, track me down, and share a station with me!